01.07.10

No voice, no face, no memories.


How on earth I manage to feel so alone in a place with a thousand presences I begin to wonder. I dream of a placid place to be in. But I fear I would might forget even to breathe through out that silence. This monotonous life is killing me. Dreading to sleep just because I know waking up made no difference on how my days could get better just by just 'sleeping it off'.I am 23 years of age, but I feel so old.


I am lacking enthusiasm for anything I had looked forward upon. It might be because I chose to be bitter today.For apparently no reason I felt solemn and melancholic. Has everything been going my way that I had to create a dark setting to balance out my
life?


I have been optimistic my whole life. Or at least try to be. 


I spend most of my nights looking up at the moon and stars. Just gazing at it without any thoughts in mind. These are my favorite escapades. I could go on FOREVER just looking up, but I never managed to. In less than an hour my neck would cramp from
craning upwards. Or if I was lying down, my back would stiffen. I am a very fidgety person mind you. Even the world's best mattress could turn out to be annoyingly comfy to me.


Although I am grateful for every single day of my life, I do dread some. I am in between a realist and a dreamer. Balancing is not my forte and neither is juggling, and I am an unefficient multi-tasker.


I am my greatest fear. For I condemn any dream of mine which I have built halfway if it does not seem convincing enough. A perfectionist was what a friend had described me. I beg to differ.


I feel like kicking myself in the head. The fact is that I am in love right now. I should be grateful for I had found myself a wonderful man. A man which managed to break the wall 
I had built around me. Before you even get to the wall there was a electric fence. Right before that I had a machine gunner on guard. He broke through it all.


Aside from that I have AMAZING friends. Need I say more?


I tried to think of why am I behaving this way. Why this miserable today?


Then it hit me. It was the time of the month. The curse of Eve is here for her monthly visit.Like they say, they called it PMS because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. I pretty much 
agree.Mood swings here, there, every where. But in the end of the day, everything will be okay.






Much nonsense,
Natasha A. Juan